Say What?
by Soranaru
Summary: Ever wondered how the Akatsuki would react to each other's girlfriends? Now you know!
1. Part I: The Idiots (Zetsu)

**So, yeah, I decided to try out one-shots. All the scenes take place in the living/dining room. Let's take it that Itachi, Sasori, Deidara and Hidan are sitting round the four-seater table; Pain and Kakuzu are sitting at opposite ends of the long couch; Kisame's hogging the smaller couch; Konan is in the kitchen and Zetsu is sticking out of the ground (except in the first story where he's not in the room at all!). And for the first story exclusively, bold letters means Black Zetsu is talking. There is no mature content (I'm an innocent reader). Enjoy!**

Zetsu(The Misunderstood)  
"Zetsu's girlfriend is pregnant," Itachi said nonchalantly as he sipped his coffee, his eyes immediately returning to his book. Sasori, Hidan and Deidara stared at Itachi, mouths hanging open. Kakuzu stopped counting his money. Konan poked her head out of the kitchen. Pain dropped his cup of coffee. "What...did...you...say?"  
"You heard me," Itachi said, eyes not leaving his book. Kisame grinned. "That's great news!" he said. "Wait a sec...is that even possible?" Deidara stuttered. "Interesting, I never knew plants produced sperm..." Sasori muttered thoughtfully. "Maybe I could add that to my puppets." "Hold the fuck up, why would puppets need sperm?" Hidan asked. "There's a long list of reasons," Sasori said seriously.  
"I'm not sure I heard you correctly," Pain said, screwing his pinky into his ear. "Zetsu's girl is fuckin' pregnant! And he's got sperm too!" Hidan practically screamed at Pain. "I thought plants have pollen..." Pain murmured, obviously in a daze. "It must be some kind of scientific breakthrough. Gotta hand it to Madara, he must be making a lot of cash," Kakuzu said. "Scientific breakthrough, un?" Deidara asked. "Kakuzu's got a point. How else would Zetsu's sperm impregnate a girl?" Sasori said matter-of-factly.  
"This conversation is disgusting," Konan said, sticking her head back into the kitchen. "It's surprising though, how Zetsu got a girlfriend before the more attractive ones in this organization," Kisame said, looking pointedly at Itachi, Deidara, Sasori, Hidan and Pain. "That really bothers you, doesn't it, un?" Deidara asked as he sweat-dropped. "Not only is he the fuckin' first, he's the only one too!" Hidan humphed.  
"I wonder what the baby will look like?" Konan said, coming out once more. "Twins. I'm betting its twins," Kakuzu said. "One will be all black, while the other will be all white," Kisame guessed. "And they'll be named 'Ze' and 'Tsu', un!" Deidara said sarcastically. "They could take their mother's traits too," Sasori pointed out. "That's true. Anyone remember what Zetsu's girlfriend looks like?" Konan asked.  
Silence.  
"You guys are pathetic," Konan sighed, shaking her head.  
Just then, Zetsu walked in. "Zetsu! Congratulations, man!" Deidara beamed **. "Huh?"** "I didn't know you had it in you, you son of a bitch!" Hidan grinned (that's his way of saying good job). **"Huh?"** "I have to admit, me neither," Sasori said, closing his brown eyes in respect. "We might have to make room for a new Akatsuki member!" Pain and Konan chorused. **"Huh?"** "Don't come begging _me_ for baby-care money!" Kakuzu snapped. **"Huh?"** "I just hope you don't feed it shark fin soup first," Kisame said worriedly.  
"What the hell are you idiots bumbling about?" Black Zetsu snapped. "Your baby, un!" Deidara said (Ha ha! Zetsu said idiot and he's the only one that replied!). "Huh?" Zetsu asked, dumbfounded. "Itachi said that your girlfriend is pregnant," Konan explained.  
White Zetsu burst out laughing. "Oh, I get it now!" he cackled. "What's so funny?" Sasori grumbled, getting impatient. "I said I got her a _pendant_ , not pregnant!" White Zetsu managed between giggles.  
Every eye (and eye scope) in the room turned to Itachi, who had remained silent through the whole thing. He didn't even flinch. He drained his cup before he looked up. "Well?" Pain demanded. "A little positive thinking wouldn't hurt anybody," Itachi said stoically.

Deidara (The Innocent)  
"So how's it going with your girlfriend, Deidara?" Sasori said out of the blue. 6 pairs of eyes turned to Deidara and Konan (who obviously has the ears of a cat) poked her head through the kitchen door. Deidara himself was bright red. "Thanks a lot, Sasori no Danna," Deidara groaned while his red-headed partner smirked. "You weren't _not_ gonna fuckin' tell us, were you?" Hidan said, raising an eyebrow. "That was sort of the plan, un," Deidara muttered. "I knew," Zetsu volunteered.  
"Cool. When'd you start dating?" Kakuzu asked. "And how much money did you spend on them?" Deidara rolled his eyes. "A few weeks ago," he answered. "How does she feel about dating another woman?" Itachi asked, not actually taking his eyes off his newspaper. "You're one to talk, Ponytail!" Deidara snapped. "No, that's a serious question," Pain said, and Kisame snickered.  
Hidan put his arm around Deidara (almost strangling the poor guy) with a mischievous grin on his face. _Uh oh_ , Deidara thought. "So, have you kids _done_ anything yet?" he asked. "Er...done?" Deidara asked. He immediately regretted it. "Ya know, the basics. Hugging, kissing, touching..." Deidara felt his cheeks go hot. "T-touching?" he stammered. Another regretted action.  
"Fingers roaming, clothes flying, girl's moaning," Hidan said seductively. "Ugh!" Konan growled, stomping back into her kitchen. "Can't you guys have a normal conversation for once?!"  
Deidara's whole face was red, and steam was floating out from all openings, with Hidan still whispering suggestive phrases into his ear. "S-stop...please," he whimpered. "Cut it out, Hidan," Sasori said, though amused. "Deidara's still a kid." "I am NOT! I am 19 years old!" Deidara objected, completely forgetting about Hidan. "Sure you are," Itachi scoffed with a roll of his eyes. Deidara lost it. "You're only two years older than me, you big *BEEEEEEEEP*!"  
Sasori, Hidan, Kisame, Kakuzu and Pain stared at Deidara in shock. Even Konan peeped out once more, cursing her curiosity. "The kid knows some adult words," Zetsu said simply.

Hidan (The Doubted)  
"Dammit woman! Bring the damned food already!" Hidan yelled. "Damned?! You think my food is damned?! Fine! I'm not cooking anymore!" Konan fumed, and stomped out of the kitchen angrily. "Women," Kakuzu scoffed. "Whatever. I wasn't going to eat anyway," Sasori said boredly. Itachi materialized a black crow on his palm, and the crow flew out the window. It flew back shortly after, carrying a huge branch of grapes in its beak. Itachi took the branch, and the crow diasppeared. "Eating healthy, eh Itachi?" Zetsu grinned. "Everyone needs to once in a while," Itachi said blandly, chewing slowly on his breakfast. "No fair, Itachi!" Deidara whined. "Oi, Itachi. Why don't you summon a kingfisher instead and send it to get a mackerel for me?" Kisame asked. "Ugh. Cannibal," Sasori scoffed, disgusted.  
"I'm not a cannibal. Sharks eat smaller fish. It's practically a law of nature!" Kisame objected, grinning. Itachi and Sasori rolled their eyes.  
Deidara's stomach growled, and he looked at Pain with big, watery blue eyes. "Leader-sama, please get Konan back! Before I...die!" he pleaded. Pain sighed. "Fine!' he said, closing his newspaper and getting up to chase after Konan. "Ugh, no use keeping her waiting. I'm off!" Hidan sighed, getting up. "Keeping _who_ waiting, un?" Deidara asked. "My girlfriend. We have a date today," Hidan said.  
"Your what?" Kakuzu asked. "You have a what?" Sasori questioned. An anime vein popped on Hidan's forehead. "I _said_ I have a fuckin' girlfriend, you assholes! What the fuck is wrong with you guys?! Do you have hearing problems?!" he screamed. "Well, now I do," Itachi said, screwing a pinky into his ear.  
"What happened?!" Pain exclaimed, running back into the room with a reluctant Konan following him. "Hidan said he has a girlfriend," Kisame grinned. Pain's jaw dropped. "Go complain about _her_ food instead then," Konan muttered. "What the fuck is wrong with you fuckers?!" Hidan spat. "You don't believe me?!" " _I_ believe you," Zetsu said cheekily. "After all, I've seen her." "Yeah yeah, we know you're literally everywhere at the same time, un," Deidara snapped, annoyed.  
"I feel bad for the poor girl who ended up dating a sex fiend," Sasori sighed melodramatically. "I AM _NOT_ A SEX FIEND, YOU FRIGGIN' PUPPET!" Hidan raved, stomping his feet like a child. Sasori smirked. He loved messing with people. "Correction, Sasori, feel bad for the girl who ended up dating a 5-year-old," Kakuzu said. "Correction taken," Sasori quipped. That only made Hidan scream more.  
"Urusai," Itachi sighed. Konan giggled and Pain sighed. "Don't worry Hidan," Deidara said, placing a reassuring hand on Hidan's shoulder. "I'll make fireworks for your one year anniversary...that is, if she even _survives_ that long, un!"  
"BULLSHIT!"  
 **Sorry, we cannot show what happened next due to the fact that it is inappropriate to all viewers under 50.**

Hoshigaki Kisame (The Mocked)  
It was a normal morning at the Akatsuki hideout. Well, as normal as it could get with the Akatsuki. Konan had already served breakfast and was tidying the kitchen. Itachi and Pain were buried in their books. Sasori and Deidara were buried in their art. Kakuzu was buried in his money. Hidan was buried in his religion. And Zetsu was buried in the ground.  
Kisame, however, was uncharacteristically buried in his thoughts. Though he wasn't really looking at his blue partner, Itachi sensed it immediately. "What's eating you?" he asked out of the blue. Kisame's head shot up, and he grinned his signature shark grin. "Nothing," he answered. Itachi narrowed his eyes. "I wasn't born yesterday," he stated. Kisame grinned. "Ever the observant one," he relented.  
"I'm thinking," Kisame said. "Whoa. Kisame's thinking? Praise Jashin!" Hidan hooted. "I'm not sure Jashin was at work there," Kakuzu sweat-dropped, looking at his hopeless partner. "About what?" Deidara asked. "Just a random question: what do girl's like?" Kisame asked. The room went as silent as a graveyard.  
Konan walked in and put her hands on her hips. "What's this about a girl?" she asked curiously. "Maybe he's meeting his long-lost little sister and wants to get her something nice," Pain suggested. "That makes sense, un," Deidara nodded. "Could be his mother," Sasori commented. "Or his niece," Deidara pointed out. "It could be a cousin," Kakuzu offered. Kisame rolled his eyes, relieved they weren't anywhere _near_ the truth. Konan noticed the look on his face and exclaimed, "Isn't it obvious? Kisame has a girlfriend!"  
Once again, pin-drop silence filled the room. "Excuse me, what?" Pain coughed. "That's fuckin' hilarious!" Hidan howled, bursting into a fit of cackles. Kisame ducked his head, annoyed. "Is that true?" Itachi asked his partner. "Well yeah, as Konan so helpfully pointed out," he said, managing a grin. "Wow. Is she 6 foot-1million too?" Sasori asked monotonously. Kisame grinned at the redhead. "I'm 6'5", and no, actually, she's around your height," he said. "Whoa! Talk about a long-distance relationship!" Deidara laughed, referring to the difference in height between the two. "She doesn't seem to mind," Kisame said, grinning dangerously.  
"Oh, she _will_ mind, sooner or later," Hidan said, finally recovering from his laughter. "When Samehada just fuckin' _eats_ her shoes!" "Or when you accidentally drag her into a battle," Pain pointed out. "Or when you _bite_ her _tongue_ off in the middle of a kiss!" White Zetsu said, sending the rest of the Akatsuki into uproarious laughter. Even Itachi cracked a smile. "I-I'm s-s-sorryyyyyy!" Konan managed while still laughing.  
Kisame rolled his eyes. Seems like he wasn't getting that present anytime soon.

 **I originally planned to make them all in one chapter. In fact, I already have it all typed up! I just thought that a little suspense would be good for the business! ^_^** **  
** **Please comment! I love to hear what you all think!**


	2. Part II: The Serious Guys

**Ah, it's so refreshing writing about a 'cheerful' Akatsuki. In my other story Orange** **, I have to keep them cold and mean. Yeah, so the next chapter is here. Enjoy!**

Sasori (The Undaunted)  
"Could you please do that somewhere else? You're getting wood shavings in my food," Itachi said, annoyed. The rest of the Akatsuki was eating. Sasori was working on a puppet. On the table. "No," Sasori said simply, and Itachi decided to ignore him, at least for the sake of peace, being the pacifist that he was. Deidara watched intently as his partner fixed the tiny puppet fingers into the miniature puppet. This puppet had long purple hair and big green eyes. It didn't seem to have any hidden weapons. It was too small for actual battle. It was a girl even. _Hmm..._ Deidara thought.

"Who's it for?" Deidara blurted. "Someone," Sasori muttered carelessly. "Who?" Hidan asked, now curious. "No one!" Sasori said, noticing his slip-up. "You just said it was for _someone_ , un," Deidara pointed out. "No I didn't," Sasori said plainly. "You're lying," Pain said, joining the conversation. "No, I'm not," Sasori scoffed. "You won't be able to tell if he's lying. He's a puppet, so his heart won't speed up nor will he give up any telltale signs of lying," Kakuzu said. "Since when are _you_ a specialist on human bodies?" Kisame grinned. Kakuzu shrugged. Sasori rolled his eyes and returned his attention to his puppet.

"Itachi-san, find out with your Sharingan," Kisame suggested. "I can't place a genjutsu on a puppet," Itachi said, not lifting his eyes from his book. "He has a soul, so you can place one on _Sasori_ ," Deidara pointed out. "Let me rephrase that: _I don't want to_ ," Itachi said coldly.

"Burn..." Hidan snickered and Deidara glared at him. "Come on, Sasori no Danna! Tell us!" Deidara said! Sasori duly ignored him. A lightbulb appeared over Deidara's head and his signature smirk spread across his face. "It's for a girl, isn't it, un?" he asked. If Sasori was surprised, he didn't show it. Deidara decided to press harder. "She's got purple hair, right?" he asked. "Whatever you want to believe," Sasori mumbled. "Her eyes are green," Deidara tried. "This imaginary girl is also 12 inches tall," Sasori said sarcastically, knowing that Deidara was just describing his puppet.

"This is going nowhere, un," Deidara sighed. "Ya think?" Hidan snorted. "You could try bribing him...just not with my money," Kakuzu suggested. "I don't need money for anything," Sasori said. By now, Pain and Itachi had lost interest in the little game Deidara was playing. Hidan and Kakuzu did too. "Maybe he's just making a puppet. He _is_ a puppet-maker," Kisame grinned.

Sasori placed his finishing touches on his miniature puppet. "Okay, I'll tell you who it's for," Sasori said, placing the puppet in a small, brightly-packaged box. "Yes! My persuasive abilities worked!" Deidara cheered. "Actually, no they didn't. I was planning to tell you anyways," Sasori said, rolling his eyes. "It's for my girlfriend. She said she wanted one."

As if on cue, Konan popped out of the kitchen. "Sasori made something for his girlfriend? He's a bigger softie than I thought!" she gushed. Pain nodded."Yeah, who'd have thought that he had emotions?" "And romantic ones at that, un!" Deidara cooed triumphantly. "Haha! They're gonna have little puppet brats!" Hidan cackled. " _Expensive_ brats," Kakuzu scoffed. "Tch. I already knew that," Zetsu bragged **(Well, why not? He follows people around for a living!)** The Akatsuki began to chatter about Sasori's mysterious girlfriend.

"I now regret my decision to open my mouth," Sasori stated, ticked. Itachi nodded slowly. "I feel you, bro," he said.

Kakuzu (The Frugal)  
"Hey, Konan," Kakuzu said suddenly. "Nani?" Konan answered, pausing in the middle of setting a plate in front of Deidara. "What would you like to get for a present?" "Huh? What's this all of a sudden?" Konan asked, putting her hands on her hips. "Just answer the question!" Kakuzu snapped. "Hmm, that's easy! Origami paper!" Konan answered. Kakuzu face-palmed. Hidan snickered. "Typical," Sasori sighed, rolling his eyes. "Not _all_ girls are into that!" Kakuzu stressed. "Oh, you want something a girl would generally like?" Konan asked.

"I'm not really sure..." Konan said after a while. "I've spent so much time with _you animals_ that I've forgotten what it's like to be a normal girl." "Animals and _plant_ ," Zetsu corrected. "Ask Deidara," Konan suggested. "Hey! I am _not_ a girl! That is so mean, un!" Deidara sniffed. "You can ask the Akatsuki's resident womanizer," Kisame suggested, looking over at Hidan. "What was that, you fuckin' sushi?!" Hidan growled, though grinning.

"It's obvious though. Girls like shiny things," Sasori stated lazily. "Shiny? Like..?" Kakuzu asked the redhead. "Jewelry. And accessories. Look at Konan, for example," Sasori clarified. "Jewelry is expensive," Kakuzu muttered under his breath. Pain heard that last statement. "Huh? You actually want to _buy_ something?" he asked. "That's none of your business, Leader-sama," Kakuzu said stubbornly. "Oh! So you do!" Kisame stated. "I wonder why..." Deidara wondered, a devilish smirk spreading across his face.

Hidan had an identical look on his face. "Fuckin' forget it, Kakuzu!" He scoffed. "There's no fuckin' way you'll be able to actually fuckin' _buy_ something you're not gonna use." "Who says he isn't going to use it?" Konan asked. "He asked for something a _girl_ would want. He isn't gonna-" Deidara began, then realization struck. "No way! Kakuzu's getting a present for someone, un!" he exclaimed. "Don't be silly. That'd never happen," Sasori sighed, exasperated. "Yeah. This stingy old geezer would never get anyone anything!" Hidan said.

"You forget that this _stingy old geezer_ re-attaches your dissevered body parts!" Konan scolded. "Isn't he giving his time when he does that?" "Yeah, but only cos Leader-sama would want him to," Kisame reasoned. "Regardless," Pain cut in. "I think that counts. The blond is right for once." "Thanks!" Deidara grinned. "Wait! What do you mean _for once_ , un?!"

"So Kakuzu, what is your motive?" Pain asked. 8 pairs of eyes stared at Kakuzu. "Fine then," Kakuzu relented. "I do want to buy something for a girl." "Who is it?" Deidara asked excitedly. "It's obviously Konan," Kisame said. "Bullshit. They fuckin' hate each other!" Hidan objected.

"You're all idiots!" Itachi snapped, shocking everyone into silence. "I haven't even been paying attention to this little squabble, yet the answer is dead obvious! Can't someone read a newspaper over breakfast in peace?!" "I'm with Itachi on this one," Zetsu said from his spot in the middle of the ground. "Well, of course _you_ would know," Sasori said, losing his patience. "You would too, Sasori no Danna!" Deidara said. "You both have eyes and ears everywhere!" "I'd rather not waste valuable spies on someone like Kakuzu," Sasori flared. "Fuck, that hurt!" Hidan grinned, speaking for his partner, who was watching them with amusement.

"If you're all done squabbling now, would you let me finish my statement?" Kakuzu asked. "Please do," Itachi sighed. "Good. I do want to get a present for someone. A girl in particular: my new girlfriend." Kakuzu declared.

"Um...excuse me...your _what?"_ Sasori asked. "Seriously, dude?!" Hidan exclaimed. "That was unexpected," Konan managed. Pain could only nod.  
"Jeez, don't act so surprised," Kakuzu said, rolling his eyes. "Hey Kakuzu! Does this girl know how old you _really_ are?" Deidara blurted. Silence.  
"Of course she d-" Kakuzu began, but couldn't quite complete that statement. "I just remembered, I have to start preparing dinner! I mean breakfast! Ugh! Brunch! I mean...LUNCH!" Konan stammered, bolting away. "I was actually working on a new sculpture, un. I guess I'll go...um...continue...sculptur-ing," Deidara said, also making his escape. "It's sacrifice time!" Hidan said. "I'll go back sure Konan isn't cooking sea food," Kisame said, slinking away. Sasori didn't even bother making an excuse. He just got up and left. Only Pain, Zetsu and Itachi were left with Kakuzu.

"That turned out more interesting than I thought it would.." Itachi smirked, turning to the next page of his newspaper. "I agree," White Zetsu snickered. "Kakuzu?" Pain asked, unsure of what was going on in the mind of the bounty hunter. "The kids of nowadays," Kakuzu sighed, seemingly not affected by this at all. "They have mouths on them. Then they lie as if I wouldn't be able to see through them." "So that didn't bother you at all?" Pain asked surprised. "Of course not," Kakuzu said as if it was obvious. "Then why didn't you complete your sentence?" Pain asked accusingly. "Oh, that? I blanked out because I was considering the best possible way to torture the local jeweler into selling me a diamond bracelet at the price of a piece of candy!"

Itachi (The Calm )  
Itachi got to breakfast late, which was unusual for him. "He's staring at nothing, un," Deidara whispered to his partner. "I don't care," Sasori scoffed. "Where the fuck is Kisame?" Hidan asked, screwing his pinky into his ear to show that he didn't really care. "Beats me," Kakuzu answered, staring at his wallet as if hoping it would magically spit out more money.

Konan emerged from the kitchen with a large tea kettle, and began pouring in tea for everyone, starting with Itachi. "Whoops!" Konan gasped. The still-full tea kettle was slightly heavy and her hand slipped, spilling some tea onto the table and Itachi's lap. "This is bad," Deidara gulped. Itachi stared down at his legs, his bangs covering his eyes. He seemed to be shaking in anger. "You've done it now," Sasori told Konan. "He's mad," Hidan said, scooting away from him slightly. "Why isn't he saying anything?" Konan whimpered, scared for her life. "Silent killers are the deadliest," Pain said.

At that moment, Kisame strolled into dining room, and placed his hand on Itachi's shoulder. "Yo!" he grinned at his partner. Itachi seemingly snapped, and he raised his head slowly to look at Kisame. "Run for cover!" everyone other than the nonchalant Sasori and the deadly Itachi thought at Kisame. "Ah, Kisame, when did you get here?" Itachi asked slowly. Then he noticed a burning feeling on his skin and looked down. "Huh? How did this tea get here?" Deidara, Hidan and Konan let out a sigh of relief, and simultaneously sweat-dropped with Sasori, Pain, Kakuzu and Zetsu.

"You didn't notice?" Kisame blinked. "Jeez, Itachi-san! You're more absent-minded than usual!" "Are you sick?" Konan asked, gingerly putting a hand on his forehead. "Lovesick, maybe," Zetsu snickered. Itachi snapped out of his daze and growled, "Shut up, Zetsu!" "Lovesick?" Deidara asked, cocking his head to one side. "Itachi? Impossible," Pain said. "Not necessarily," Konan said. "You can't control love. Love is for everyone, no matter how tough on the outside. Everyone desires romance deep down." "I think you just fuckin' made me BARF in my MOUTH!" Hidan choked.

Itachi rolled his eyes. "Really, Itachi-san? You're in love and you didn't tell me?" Kisame whined with a mischievous grin on his face. "Oh, please. I am _not_ in love," Itachi scoffed, glaring at Kisame, then Zetsu. "Then what is it? You're not yourself today," Konan asked. "I'm myself. Who else would I be?" Itachi asked sarcastically. "I see he's back to normal," Sasori stated. "You know what I mean!" Konan snapped. "Ugh! Never mind!" And with that she stomped into the kitchen.

"Why not just tell them, Itachi?" Zetsu taunted. "Tell us what?" Pain asked. "It's nothing," Itachi said calmly. "It doesn't _seem_ like nothing," Pain retorted. "With all due respect, Leader-sama, I'd like to end this conversation," Itachi said firmly. "Suit yourself," Pain shrugged. Then he turned to Zetsu. "Spill!" he commanded.

"Itachi has a girl!" White Zetsu practically sang. "A mistress?" Pain asked. "Wow, Itachi. I didn't think you were that kind of guy..." Deidara said, looking at Itachi with wide eyes. "That's not it!" Itachi snapped, Sharingan clicking into place. "Really? Then what?" Sasori asked, regarding Itachi with half-closed eyes. "I do have a girl, but I am definitely not lovesick." His voice was monotone, as it usually was. He wasn't lying.  
Kisame laughed. "I actually can't say I expected that!" he said. "Should've made it a bet..." Kakuzu muttered. "If you're not...ugh... _lovesick_...then why were you all zoned out when you came in?" Hidan demanded. "I was thinking, something I doubt you even know how to do," Itachi said in the same monotone voice. "Motherfucker..." Hidan growled. "Well, he does have a point..." Pain said. "Three, actually," Sasori said, noticing Hidan pull out his scythe. "Three rather _sharp_ points at that," Kisame chuckled.

"What were you thinking about, Itachi?" Pain asked patiently. "How beautiful she is," Deidara teased. "How to describe her in a fuckin' poem," Hidan snickered. "How to _butcher_ Hidan and Deidara," Itachi said, his monotone voice projecting just how serious he was. "Actually, Leader-sama, I was thinking of a fitting riddle to ask her," Itachi said to Pain. "A riddle?" Kisame raised his blue eyebrows. "Yes. To test her," Itachi replied. "That's cold. Why would you want to test your girlfriend, un?" Deidara queried.

"Unlike you, she actually likes to think," Itachi said smoothly. "Thinking of a fuckin' riddle shouldn't be hard for you," Hidan scoffed. "You fuckin' _speak_ in riddles!" "True," Kisame agreed. "I wouldn't expect you of all people to have trouble coming up with a confusing statement," Sasori shrugged. "She's smart. She'll figure it out if I just throw any random question at her," Itachi said.  
"As expected of the girl who Itachi chose, un," Deidara said solemnly. "Hey! Let's bet on whether or not Itachi's girlfriend will answer Itachi's question correctly," Kakuzu suggested.

Pain (The Multi-bodied)  
Pain finished his breakfast before anyone else. "Don't you usually take one bite an hour?" Deidara asked, surprised. "No I don't. And even if I did, I don't have the luxury of time today," Pain said, a bit miffed. "Why not? Do you have a mission today?" Konan asked. "No. I'm meeting someone," Pain said. "Really? Who?" Kisame asked. Pain didn't bother trying to hide. "My girlfriend," he said bluntly.

"Whoa! Pain has a fuckin' bitch! No way! You must be fuckin' bullshitting me!" Hidan cackled. "I'm not 'fuckin' bullshitting' anyone," Pain said with a frown. "What about Konan? I thought you two were together," Sasori stated. Konan put her hands on her hips. "We're childhood friends!" she objected. "All the more reason," Kisame grinned, making Konan roll her eyes.

"Naa, Leader-sama? Are you going in that body?" Deidara asked. "Yes? What's wrong with it?" Pain asked. "Since you're meeting a girl, why don't you use the Human Path instead? Girls dig long hair, un!" he suggested with a grin. "Yes. On _them_ ," Kakuzu said sarcastically. "Look who's talking," Itachi deadpanned. "Itachi's considered attractive, right?" Kisame asked. "Go with the Animal Path, then. He has a long ponytail, like Itachi!" "My hair isn't as long as the Animal Path's," Itachi sighed. "His hair is more on par with Deidara's." "Excuse me! My hairstyle is original! A piece of art itself, un!" Deidara scoffed. "Really? Then why hasn't it gone boom yet?" Sasori smirked.

"You should go with the Asura Path!" Hidan said. "Bitches fuckin' SCREAM when they see a _triangular head covered in piercings_!" he cackled. "I'm not sure that's the kind screaming Leader-sama would want," Kakuzu sighed, annoyed with his partner.

"Enough!" Pain said quietly, though his charisma made it seem like he had announced it over a super-megaphone. "She knows me in this form, so in this form I will go." "Hm? She doesn't know about the other paths?" Deidara asked. "Of course not!" Pain snapped. "You can use that to your advantage..." Itachi mused aloud. "How?" Pain asked. "To confirm her loyalty, of course," Itachi said. "I think I know what Itachi-san means..." Kisame said. "Me too," Sasori said. "Since she doesn't know all your bodies, you can woo her with one of your more attractive bodies and see if she takes the bait."

"That's kinda harsh, Sasori no Danna, un," Deidara said. "No matter how loyal, a girl will still swoon if someone wooed her, though she might not necessarily fall for him." "All hail Deidara, the Bitch Whisperer!" Hidan cackled. "Don't call me that, un!" "Deidara is right, surprisingly," Konan sighed. "Whaddya mean 'surprisingly'?!" Konan ignored him. "I'm sure even the most faithful girlfriend would be happy to get flattered, even if she doesn't show it." "This conversation is going nowhere," Pain sighed.

"Plus, if I wanted to make sure she was faithful, I'd send Zetsu after her." The Akatsuki looked at the mutant plant sticking its head out of the floor. "It must be tough having two personalities," Kakuzu said. "All of Pain's bodies have the same personality." "Do you think we could change that?" Kisame wondered. "Maybe if we performed a surgery on each of their brains..." Sasori suggested. "I could do that," Kakuzu offered. They all turned to look at Pain. "Uh, guys?" Pain tried. No use. They were all imagining what it'd be like to have a _nice_ Leader. "Remember, I'm your leader!" Pain said, getting nervous. They were all staring at him with those eyes; Itachi's Sharingan clicked into place, Deidara's eye scope whirred, Sasori's brown eyes turned glassy, Kakuzu's pink-and-teal eyes filled with greed, Hidan's purple glinted menacingly, Kisame's shark-eyes looked hungry. Together, they were more scary than Pain's Rinnegan!  
"Run."

* * *

 **Next is the Special Edition Tobi! Stay tuned! And don't forget to comment! No seriously: I crave the comments.**


	3. Special Edition 1: Tobi

**Ugh, I feel terrible: I suddenly got a really bad cough. Nevertheless, the story must go on!**

Special Edition #1: Tobi

"Senpai! Senpai!" a certain orange-masked man cried, running into the Akatsuki dining hall. "Just when I was thinking about how peaceful it was here today," Itachi sighed. "Great. Another brat joins the squad," Sasori deadpanned. "I don't get paid enough to deal with this," Kakuzu complained. "What is it this time, Tobi?" Pain asked, exasperated. "He said 'Senpai', so he must've come looking for Deidara," Kisame pointed out. Said blonde blanched. "Why me, un?" he moaned.

He turned an icy blue eye to his idiotic partner. "What do you want?!" he spat. Tobi remained unfazed. "Guess what, Senpai!" he squealed. Deidara sighed. _This again..._ "Fine, what?" he muttered. No one expected what Tobi would say next: "Tobi has a girlfriend now!"

Pain spat out his coffee. Kakuzu slipped up and accidentally miscounted his money. Hidan's mouth dropped open. Sasori's eyes widened. Itachi and Kisame smirked. "This is interesting," they both thought. Konan poked her head (you guessed it) out of the kitchen. Even Zetsu was surprised.

Only Deidara didn't seem taken aback by this sudden announcement. His mindset was that Tobi was so stupid he didn't even know what a girlfriend was! He'd probably share a lollipop with a six-year old and call _her_ his girlfriend. "Brilliant. Is she missing half a brain too?" Deidara asked, nonchalantly sipping his morning beverage. Tobi shook his head violently. "No! Tobi's girlfriend is _really_ smart!"

"Oh please. You thought Hidan figuring out that one plus one is two made him smart," Kakuzu scoffed. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean, bastard?!" Hidan growled. "He has a point," Sasori said frankly. "How _old_ is this girlfriend of yours, un?" Deidara asked. "Tobi's girlfriend is about Deidara-senpai's age!" Tobi said. Okay, now that was unexpected.

Deidara choked on his drink, and Sasori responded by patting him on the back, rather roughly I might add. "This is better than I expected," Kisame grinned. "Ditto," Itachi agreed, crossing his legs. "Do you know anything, Zetsu?" Konan asked, fully out of the kitchen now. "That idiot is so stupid, he invites anyone following him to lunch, gets them drunk, and leave them in the bar!" Black Zetsu growled, his white-half red in the face. "So that means, Tobi really _does_ have a girlfriend," Deidara said in awe. "Never thought I'd see the day," Pain mused. "Never would've bet on it," Kakuzu agreed. "This must be the work of Jashin," Hidan revered.

"I highly doubt that," Sasori, the voice of reason spoke up. He fixed a brown-eyed glare on the masked man, who had obviously already forgotten where he was, seeing that he was playing with the leaves on Zetsu's potted plant and giggling like an idiot. "Tobi," Sasori said calmly. Tobi jolted to attention. "H-hai, Senpai!" he stammered. Sasori got really impatient really quickly. Tobi had learnt not to test his patience, and that the 100 Puppets Technique was terrifying.

"Describe this girlfriend of yours," Sasori said. "Hmm, well, Tobi's girlfriend has long, blond hair and blue eyes, like Deidara-senpai!" "That's an insult, un," Deidara sighed. Hidan snickered. "And she's not a ninja. And she thinks Tobi is funny!" Tobi continued. "Interesting..." Sasori hummed. "You think he actually has a girlfriend?" Kisame smirked. "You know something?" Pain asked the mutant shark. He shrugged. "Nothing."

"Where does she live?" Konan asked. "In a beach house with her 3 little sisters!" Tobi said excitedly. "What does she do for a living," Kakuzu said, bringing up the topic of money. "Tobi's girlfriend is a medical ninja, but she's really good at sports too!" "Wait, I thought you said she wasn't a ninja..." Pain said suspiciously. "She isn't! Tobi's girlfriend uses fancy gadgets to treat her patients!" "Fancy gadgets?!" Hidan snorted. "Then she's just a doctor," Deidara sighed, rolling his eyes. "A doctor who's also a princess," Itachi scoffed.

"And a snow boarder," Kisame put in. "And a mermaid," Itachi added. The rest of the Akatsuki looked at them in confusion. "She's getting a whole lotta money then," Kakuzu said, a hint of jealousy in his voice. "How is that fuckin' possible?!" Hidan demanded. Kisame and Itachi looked at each other, amused that the others hadn't caught on yet. "Oh, I get it," Sasori said suddenly. "She's also a super spy, isn't she? And a Victorian singer?" Kisame and Itachi smirked, and nodded. "What are you fuckers babbling about? I don't get it!" Hidan whined. "It annoys me that my subordinates know something I don't," Pain muttered. "Should Tobi tell you Tobi's girlfriend's name?" Tobi asked anxiously. "No way! If Sasori no Danna and Itachi already figured it out, I'm gonna figure it out too, un!" Deidara said. The rest of the Akatsuki who hadn't figured it -whatever "it" was- out agreed.

30 minutes passed, and Deidara, Kakuzu, Hidan, Zetsu, Pain and Konan were still stumped. "I can't take it anymore!" Kisame sighed, throwing up his hands. "Who remembers what Tobi came back with last weekend?" he asked. "A shopping bag. So?" Kakuzu asked. "It ripped the second he walked in and everything fell out!" Hidan snorted. "Then we saw a Barbie DVD on top of the pile and laughed at him for-" Deidara paused as realization dawned on him. The others got the same feeling too.

Deidara turned his head to Tobi, who looked like he was about to explode any second. "Tobi? What was your girlfriend's name?" Deidara asked, half hoping he was right, half hoping his partner wasn't actually that stupid. "Barbie!" Tobi exclaimed.

Pain, Konan, Kakuzu and Hidan fell over, one foot sticking up in the air. Sasori, Itachi and Kisame sweat-dropped at the fact that Tobi was _proud_ to say it. Deidara face-tabled, cos a face-palm just wouldn't cut it. Itachi stood up and came back with a Barbie CD and read the back: "Includes Barbie Life in a Dream-house, Barbie in a Christmas Carol, Barbie in The Mermaid Tale, Barbie I Can Be A Doctor, Barbie Princess Charm School, and a bunch of other Barbie's that are not appropriate to name in an organization such as ours. There is, however, a special edition Talk With Me Barbie, in which Barbie responds to what you type. That was probably how Tobi got the idea that she was actually his girlfriend." He finished.

"She _is_ Tobi's girlfriend!" Tobi protested. "Sure..." Deidara said sarcastically. "Sometimes I worry I underestimate the power of your stupidity," Kakuzu sighed, shaking his head. "Thank your lucky stars you aren't as stupid as him," Black Zetsu told White Zetsu. "Why'd you let such a stupid idiot into the Akatsuki anyway?" Hidan demanded from their Leader. Pain straightened his cloak, having (partially) recovered from his initial shock. "That's a story for another day," he sighed. "I think we've had enough of Tobi's idiocy for one day." It was a silent agreement between all the members of the Akatsuki.

.

.

 **Phew! Done! Hop you guys liked this chapter!** _ **PLEASE**_ **like and comment! I wouldn't mind if you let others know about this fic either! (Wink wink ^_^)**

Prologue

"Hey guys! I'm standing _right here_!" Obito thought angrily.


	4. Special Edition 2: Konan

**Hey guys! Sorry I took so long to update. It took a while, but here's Konan!**

Special Edition #2: Konan

The whole Akatsuki stared in shock. They were seeing something they never thought they'd ever see in their whole lives! "Good morning, my wonderful subordinates and Leader-sama!" Kona beamed with sparkly lights and flowers floating around her. She hummed as she placed today's breakfast – blueberry pancakes – in front of each member and twirled as she poured in their hot cocoa.

Deidara stared at the towering pile of blueberry goodness in front of him. "You sure made a lot, un," he said, awed. "And what's with this insane amount of syrup?!" Kakuzu complained. "Oh, I just thought you boys deserve a treat every now and then," Konan beamed before skipping merrily into the kitchen. They could still hear her happy tune floating in from the kitchen.

Kisame looked pointedly at Pain. "What did you do to make her so happy?" he asked. "Nothing I'm aware of," the pierced man grunted. "She's actually singing," Deidara murmured, still in awe. "Maybe she hit her head somewhere," Sasori suggested. "Who fuckin' cares?! These are fuckin' delicious!" Hidan exclaimed through a mouthful of pancakes. "Don't you think it's strange though?" White Zetsu asked the Jashinist. "Oh please. That bonehead wouldn't notice if we turned pink and yellow," Black Zetsu scoffed, and the two artists snickered.

"What do you think, Itachi-san?" Kisame asked. "Well, she doesn't seem to be under a genjutsu," Itachi replied, though obviously uninterested. "But think about it. She's humming, strangely cheerful, and practically floating on her feet. When a girl exhibits these symptoms, it can only mean one thing." "Which is?" Pain asked. The rest of the Akatsuki leaned forward, eager to hear the Uchiha's diagnosis. "She's in love."

"What? That's crazy!" Hidan scoffed. "Indeed, it seems quite unlikely," Sasori said thoughtfully. "With Leader-sama?" Kakuzu guessed. "We are childhood friends! _Friends_! Should I spell it out for you?!" Pain hissed. "We should just ask her directly, un," Deidara suggested. "The simplest solution," Kisame agreed. "So who is the fuck is gonna ask the bitch?" Hidan asked. "Not it!" Zetsu said immediately. "Definitely not me," Sasori said stiffly. "Me neither, yeah!" Deidara said. "You brought it up. You should be the one to ōask her," Kakuzu said to the blonde. "No way! What about Hidan? He's shameless, un." "What the fuck was that, Barbie?" "Leader-sama should ask her since they're oh so close." "Do you want to feel the wrath of a god?" They began to argue. "Hey Konan! Get over here!" Itachi yelled, tired of the ruckus."  
Konan pranced happily into their presence, reeking of sunshine and rainbows. "Hmm?" she asked innocently. Itachi activated his Mangekyō and looked straight at their youngest member. Deidara gulped and cursed under his breath before turning to look at the only female member. "So, uh, hey Konan..." he began. "Hello! 3" Konan beamed. "Uh, wonderful weather we're having today..." Konan looked confused. "Well, I haven't been outside yet, but I'm sure it's pleasant!" she replied. Sasori kicked his partner under the table causing Deidara to blurt out "Are you in love?"

Silence filled the hideout and Konan actually looked surprise. Slowly, her shock melted into a smile. "Why yes. Yes I am," she replied. Pain promptly choked on his coffee and Deidara turned bright red. Black Zetsu asked the question everyone was thinking of but no one was brave enough to say: "With who?" Konan laughed. "He's a normal civilian in the village nearby," she answered. "Well I need to go check him out," Pain said protectively, standing up, obviously ready to go pummel the guy. Kakuzu held him down.

Itachi remained calm as always. "How'd you meet?" "He runs the shop I go to to buy all our groceries," Konan replied. Pain shot up from his seat once more. "He's _definitely_ not good enough for you!" Sasori face-palmed. Hidan grinned. "Need help getting rid of the motherfucker?" he asked Pain. "I haven't...wrapped my mind...around this...yet," Deidara said shakily. "I want to meet him," Kisame grinned. "I second that," Zetsu said. "Omoshiroi," Sasori hummed. "How rich is he?" Kakuzu asked. "Who cares? I'm going to kill him!" Pain fumed. "Says the _childhood friend,"_ Hidan taunted. "Would you like to join him?" Pain threatened.

Konan beamed like the bloodthirst all around her was non-existent. "If he's coming over, I'm gonna go bake a cake! Oh, and I need to dress up too. Oh Barbie-kun? Can you come help me with my make-up?" Sasori snickered and Deidara slammed his face on the table. "To hell with you all..." he muttered.

* * *

 **Ahaha! I don't know why I always make Dei the victim XD**

 **Sadly, this fic is almost over. The last chapters are gonna be Orochimaru, then the Taka members (excluding Sasuke), then a conclusion. The conclusion should be of considerable length, but the Snake group member's will likely have short stories. Should I release them one by one or in the format of the first two chapters? I await your responses!**


	5. Special Edition 3: Orochimaru and Taka

**Hello people! Sorry I'm late - writer's block is every author's worst enemy. For this chapter, the Taka members join Sasori, Deidara, Itachi and Hidan on the table. Orochimaru appears only in the first story. Enjoy! (I made these ones a bit shorter)**

Special Edition #3: Orochimaru and Taka

Orochimaru(The Mysterious)

Orochimaru walked through the dining & living room, ready to leave the hideout. "Where do you think you're going without breakfast?" Konan called, halting him. "Out," the snake man said simply. "Out where?" Pain narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Somewhere," Orochimaru replied. "I demand that you tell me where 'somewhere' is," Pain threatened. Orochimaru sighed. "Fine. I f you insist. I'm going on what you young'uns call a _date_." The Akatsuki went silent for 3 full seconds before bursting into laughter.

"Phbtt! The snake? On a date?" Hidan cackled. "How old is she? A million?" Kisame sneered. "Wonderful," Sasori said sarcastically. "Indeed," Itachi nodded, also amused. Orochimaru just rolled his eyes. "It seems 'creepy' is the in-look nowadays," Deidara snickered. "People have no taste," Kakuzu scoffed. "I feel bad for the poor girl," Konan sighed. "Why did I ever recruit you?" Pain sighed.

"Now, if no one has any complaints, I'll be off," Orochimaru said. "Wait, Orochimaru!" Pain called. "Hmm?" "The girl you're meeting, are you planning on making her one of your test subjects?" Pain inquired. A wicked grin spread across the snake man's face. "Who knows?" he mused, and disappeared out the doors.

Suigetsu(The Taunted)

Suigetsu wolfed down his breakfast and chugged his glass of orange juice. Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he said "I'm out, losers!" "The only loser I see here is you, un," Deidara muttered. "Where's Shark Junior headed to?" Hidan asked Kisame (Shark Senior). "Ask him yourself," Kisame grunted. "Don't bother. That idiot can't speak Japanese properly, let alone understand it," Karin sneered. "Piss off, bitch," Suigetsu grinned, sticking out his tongue at her. Itachi sighed. He could never get a moment of peace here...

"Where are you going, friend?" Jūgo asked calmly. Suigetsu grinned proudly. "This guy's got a date!" Karin and Deidara simultaneously spat out their orange juice, drenching a certain puppet. "You _what_?!" they exclaimed. However, they couldn't say more because an angry Sasori held a poisoned blade to each of their necks.

Suigetsu grinned. "You heard me!" "I find that...interesting," Itachi smirked. "Yes, very," Pain yawned. It was obvious they didn't believe him. Suigetsu frowned. "Why is it so hard to believe?" he asked. "Well, for one, chicks don't dig _shark people_ ," Hidan said cockily. "I'm sure they don't dig voodoo dolls either!" Suigetsu retorted. "Burn..." Kakuzu snickered at his partner. "Two, you're an idiot," Deidara said dryly, trying to move his head as far away from Sasori's blade as possible. "Three, your hair is prematurely white," Kisame added. "Says the dumb blonde and the blue haircut!" Suigetsu defended. "Four, you're annoying and impulsive," Jūgo said. "Whose side are you on?" Suigetsu whined at his now so-called friend. "Five-" Konan began. "Okay, okay, I got it! Goodbye!" a now very pissed off Suigetsu gave up and stomped out, prompting the rest of the Akatsuki to laugh.

Jūgo (The Lovable)

Special thanks to my friend EyeOfTheMoon for giving me the idea to write this section!

A red-breasted humming bird flew in through the open window. "Jūgo, get your pets outta here!" Konan scolded. Hidan ducked so that the bird wouldn't mess up his newly-gelled hair and it actually landed in Deidara's. "Not amused, un!" Deidara growled through gritted teeth. "My apologies," Jūgo said, holding out his finger for the bird while Suigetsu snickered at Deidara's nest hair.

The bird sang sweetly into the beast-man's ear and the Akatsuki watched in awe as the usually stone-faced Jūgo smiled a smile that put Naruto to shame. He hummed back to the bird, then let it fly out.

"What was that about, man?" Suigetsu asked. Jūgo's face was back to normal. "It was a message," he answered curtly. "A cheap method," Kakuzu nodded approvingly. "A message from whom?" Konan asked, raising an eyebrow. Jūgo said nothing. "Now I'm _really_ intrigued," Kisame grinned his toothy grin. "I doubt it's someone you'd care to know about, nor would knowing about said person bring any merit," Jūgo said. "Just spill already, un," Deidara grumbled, still mad about his hair. Jūgo exhaled. "I was replying a message for a lady friend."

Deidara was confused. "What does that even mean?" he asked. "It means his girlfriend," Sasori explained, rolling his eyes. Suigetsu let out a low whistle. "You go, Jūgo!" "That's so cute!" Konan squealed. "No fuckin' way!" Hidan spat. "That is actually not very hard to believe," Karin stated, adjusting her glasses. "Jūgo gives the image of a strong and pleasantly taciturn young man. Girls go crazy for guys like that...like Sasuke!" Karin swooned.

Sasori rolled his eyes but nodded. "The stupid redhead's got a point," he said. "You're a redhead too!" Karin growled. "Yeah, but not a stupid one," Sasori smirked. "Jūgo's like a big teddy girl. It isn't surprising he got a _lady friend_ ," Kisame grinned. "Taking care of them is expensive though..." Kakuzu mumbled. "Are you okay with this, Leader-sama?" Itachi asked. Pain shrugged. "If she can make Jūgo that happy, I don't really care," he said. Hidan folded his arms and pouted. "Don't be jealous," Suigetsu teased. Hidan scoffed. "Why would I be jealous of a 'teddy bear'?" "He has a point," Kakuzu said. "Not a very legit one though," Konan argued, and soon, the entire Akatsuki were arguing about whether or not teddy bears were _in_.

Jūgo sighed to himself. "I told them that knowing would bring no merit."

Karin (The Lovestruck)

Karin spun into the room like a ballerina, her glasses lopsided and a stupid grin on her face- even more stupid than usual. Suigetsu noticed immediately. "Sasuke put you in a good mood, Karin?" he asked, flashing his shark grin. Karin's expression immediately twisted into one of disgust. "Of course not! I am sooo over that loser!" she snapped.

That got everyone's attention. "Looks like my foolish little brother lost one of his fangirls," Itachi said. "I never thought I'd see the day," Konan said incredulously. "Emotions are so fickle and useless," Sasori sighed. "If you're over him, who replaced him?" Kisame asked. Karin turned as red as her hair. "W-what makes you think someone replaced him?" she stuttered. "The new color on your face is a dead giveaway," Sasori deadpanned. "Is it Suigetsu?" Deidara guessed.

Suigetsu and Karin looked at each other in horror no words could describe. "No way. They'd fuckin kill each other!" Hidan laughed. "Good point, un," Deidara nodded. "Well then, who is it?" Konan asked. Karin once again flushed red. "N-n-n-n-n-no one!" she said, then stuffed her face to keep from talking further.

"When you put it that way, it's obvious there _is_ someone," Itachi pointed out. "I can't believe Karin got a boyfriend. Someone punch me," Suigetsu said. "Gladly," Deidara smirked and swung at him, but Suigetsu turned to water at the last moment. His smiling face reappeared. "Nope, definitely not dreaming." "Karin has a boyfriend?" Kakuzu asked. "Don't be ridiculous. That'd never happen," Pain scoffed. "I wonder what type of person he is," Jūgo said quietly. "Don't tell me you actually believe that crap?" Hidan said. "It may actually not be completely impossible. I mean, all girls have their charm," Konan said.

They all turned to Karin who had snarfed down her breakfast and was now stealing from Deidara's plate. "Her appetite sure is something," Kisame said with a low whistle. "Yes, charming," Sasori said sarcastically.

* * *

 **Sigh, I am so tired.**

 **So now you know how the rest of the Akatsuki would react if one of their members got a girlfriend (er, boyfriend in Konan and Karin's case) Hoped you all liked it! Don't forget to comment!  
I may or may not include a finalė. So stay tuned!**


	6. Say What Finale: Hidan's Journey

**I got this idea when** _ **I**_ **was cooking! Itadakimasu!**

Say What Finale: Hidan's Journey  


It was a normal morning in the Akatsuki hideout. Konan was on break from cooking so everyone was eating their own cereal. Deidara had Exploding Flakes. Sasori had Frosted Wood Shavings, low cholesterol. Itachi was having Crow Oats, clinically proven to improve eye-sight. Kisame had Shark Bites. Kakuzu had Money Nut Cherios. Konan had Paper Cuts. Pain had Rain Kripsies. Zetsu had Koo-Koo Puffs, cos each half of him thought the other was crazy.

Hidan stomped loudly into the living/dining room, his hair in perfect condition. He spent a lot of time on his hair, even more than Konan and Deidara. "Good morning, fuckers and bitches!" he announced. "I wonder who he's talking to," Sasori crunched his cereal thoughtfully. "No idea, cos the only fucker I see here is him, un," Deidara humphed. "Shut up Hidan, or I'll be forced to clean your mouth," Kakuzu warned. Hidan shuddered at the memory of having his mouth forced and held open with pliers while Kakuzu scrubbed his tongue with soap, water and a very bristly brush.

He wondered over to his usual seat next to Deidara. His own cereal was waiting there: Jashin Bites. "What the fuck is this?" he complained. "Your breakfast," Deidara said, rolling his eyes. "Some breakfast," Hidan complained. "I need _meat_ to quench my insatiable hunger!" "If your hunger is insatiable, it means you can't 'quench' it," Itachi pointed out. Hidan scowled at him then turned to Konan. "I can't be at my full strength if I don't get a proper meal! Why can't you make bacon or something?"

Konan waved her hand like she didn't care. "I'm on a break from being you guys' cook. Plus, you're powerful enough at half your strength." " What do you need strength for? You don't have a mission today," Pain said. "Dealing with _these_ fuckin' bastards"-he gestured at the other members of the Akatsuki-"is a mission of its own," Hidan scoffed. "The feeling is mutual, konoyarou," Sasori scowled.

"If you want to eat bacon so badly, go make it yourself," Kisame grinned. "I'm not some fuckin' girl. I can't cook!" " _Everybody_ can make bacon," Zetsu taunted. "Yeah, the one Konan buys is premade, even," Deidara said. "I said I can't cook!" Hidan insisted.

"Well you'll have to learn," Konan said. "You don't really expect your future girlfriend or wife to do _all_ the cooking, do you?" "He wouldn't be able to get a girlfriend if he was the most good-looking guy in the world!" Kakuzu laughed. "Or the richest," Kisame grinned. Hidan turned red. "Why not?!" he demanded.

"Well, for one, you wear blood as make-up," Deidara said. "Your use of profanities is... _excessive_ , to say the least," Itachi added. "You're always proselytizing, which can get annoying," Kakuzu said. "You're _violent_ , and coming from an S-Class Criminal Organization leader, that's saying something," Pain said. "You seem to be allergic to shirts," Konan wrinkled her nose. "You're insane," Sasori said. "You're-". "ENOUGH!" Hidan interjected.

The rest of the Akatsuki laughed. They got him good. "I can get a girlfriend if I fuckin' wanna, but I don't need one right now! What I fuckin' need, is meat in my stomach NOW!" "Go make it yourself. The directions are even on the back of the package," Konan said. "Real men don't cook!" Hidan insisted. "Aye," Kisame sighed, shaking his head. "This is going nowhere," Itachi sighed. "How about this Hidan? If you can come back with a girlfriend before midnight today, I'll make your bacon for you," the Uchiha proposed.

"Interesting," Sasori smirked. "This'll be hilarious, un," Deidara laughed. "Back out, Hidan," Zetsu advised. "You'd have better luck baking a 15-layer cake." An anime vein popped on Hidan's forehead. "Deal!" he barked at Itachi. "You have till mid-" Itachi began but Hidan interrupted. Flashing his confident grin, the Jashinist said "I'll be back before you even finish your cereal!" then disappeared out the door.

Itachi looked down at his bowl. "I've already finished my cereal."

Outside the hideout, Hidan realized that he didn't have a plan. Oh well, he didn't need a fuckin' plan. All he had to do was find a town, let the chicks come to _him_ , chose the sexiest one, take her back, enjoy his bacon (Itachi was a good cook) and maybe sacrifice his 'girlfriend'. Haha, as if.

He wondered through the thick forest surrounding the hideout then came upon a village. It wasn't a small one, so he was sure it'd be easy to get a girl. He would've been right. He would've been easy. But he forgot one small detail...he was wearing his Akatsuki cloak. Sure, some girls that passed him instantly noticed how attractive he was, maybe even fangirled a little, but no one dared go near him. Everyone knew how dangerous Akatsuki members were, and for this one to come strutting through their village, he must be especially dangerous.

Hidan didn't understand that though. He assumed that the ladies were all just shy and decided to approach them himself. He spied a group of girls talking and laughing together by a wall. They were all fairly pretty, and though Hidan didn't care whether the girl he brought was beautiful or ugly, he figured he'd score brownie points if she was attractive. Hidan dug his hands into his pockets, flashing his overly-confident grin.

The girls blushed, then noticing his Akatsuki cloak, paled. "Please don't kill us," the oldest one there whispered. Hidan cocked his head. "Now why would I do that? I just need something from you." There were no bad words in his statement. That would make a good impression.

The girls didn't think so. They figured he wanted their valuables so they pulled off their necklaces and emptied their purses, handing them to him. "Please accept this, it's all we have," they whispered, and as Hidan looked at his new belongings, confused, the girls scampered off. Hidan assumed that they were just shy fangirls not mentally prepared for a relationship. He shrugged. "Their fuckin' loss."  
Hidan moved to another village where he got the same reaction. It was the same story wherever he went. Some even fainted.

It was now mid-noon and Hidan was starving and desperate. He figured he'd just grab a random girl and take her home. That would work. He stumbled into the next village, confident that this time he'd get what he was searching for. However, this village was a ninja village, and unknown to him, the townspeople had gone to report this to their leader, who in turn sent 50 shinobi after him.

"You there! Halt!" a voice yelled beside Hidan. He turned around. "Oh, shinobi," he grinned. "Would you like to join the Way of Jashin?" The shinobi replied by sending flying rocks to him. "See ya later, fuckers!" Hidan yelled gleefully, making a run for it. He ran outside the village, into the dense forest that surrounded it. He stopped after finding a good spot. The shinobi surrounded him. "Surrender, and you may leave here alive!" their leader shouted.

Hidan's grin became wider and his eyes took the insane glint that nobody ever saw and survived. "You're the ones that needs to surrender, sinners and infidels. Come to Jashin and he may have mercy!" he preached. "Attack!" the ninja officer yelled. Hidan smirked. "Your fuckin' loss." In one quick movement, he had severely wounded about half of the shinobi there with his trusty scythe. The other half remained frozen in fear.

Hidan went completely wild and slaughtered all the men there, while preaching the Jashin-spel. The ones that were still alive, he sacrificed. It was already evening when he was done. "According to Barbie, blood make-up is not cool," he muttered, taking in his appearance. He found a small stream and washed up, frightening the young boys skipping stones. Hidan's stomach grumbled. He couldn't waste any more time.

He decided to try a bar, where the girls were more confident, but even the drunk whores, as he called them, wouldn't dare mess with an Akatsuki member. The sky was pitch black now. He stumbled to the next village, tired and hungry, but still had no luck. On the way to his next village, two young men attacked him. "This is for our family, which you so ruthlessly murdered!" they screamed and attacked him.

They must've been survivors of an attack, but Hidan didn't remember slaughtering any family. It could've been another Akatsuki member, but it wasn't like he remembered his victims anyway. He slaughtered the boys in cold blood, then sat down to say a quick prayer for their souls. "Great, now I'm fuckin' covered in blood again," he muttered.

He heard a silent scream behind him and turned to see a girl there. She was holding a basket. She must be a travelling sales girl. She was pretty,too. "Yo," Hidan said, too tired to even hit on her. The moon shone through the trees at that moment, illuminating the two bloodied corpses, the blood-covered scythe and Hidan, also covered in blood. The girl promptly fainted. Alarmed, Hidan shot up and approached the girl. "Oi," he said. "Are you alive?" No response. He put his fingers to her neck. He could still detect a pulse.

"Will you be my girlfriend?" he asked. No response. "I'll take that as a yes. Come on, babe, the guys would fuckin' love to meet you." He picked the girl up and slung her over his shoulder. Picking up his scythe, he began his trip back home, moving quickly through the trees so he could get there on time. The girl woke up somewhere during the journey, and, realizing where she was, fainted once more.

He got back to the hideout about 15 minutes to the deadline. "Hello, fuckin' Akatsuki members! I'm baa-aaaacccckkkk!" he announced loudly.

One by one, the sleepy Akatsuki members walked out of their rooms. "What the hell happened to you?" Kakuzu asked, looking the blood-covered Hidan up and down. "I never knew finding a girlfriend could be dangerous, un," Deidara quipped. "Speaking of girlfriend, where is she?" Itachi asked.

Hidan pointed at the limp figure he'd dropped on the floor. "Is she dead?" Sasori asked. Konan felt for a pulse. "She's alive all right," she said. "Did she consent to being your girlfriend?" Itachi enquired suspiciously. Hidan smirked. "She didn't say no."

"Hidan's on time. He even got a girlfriend. Has the world gone completely mad?!" Kisame exclaimed. "I think it went mad the second Hidan was born," Sasori deadpanned. "I did it, you fuckin' Uchiha. Now gimme my bacon. I'm starving!"

"Wait, you haven't eaten anything yet?" Kakuzu asked incredulously. "Duh. Itachi said he'd cook for me!" Hidan said like it was obvious. "It wouldn't have killed you to at least buy a snack on the way," Pain scoffed. "Enough yabbering and more bacon-making!" Hidan said.

Itachi folded his arms and nodded. "Indeed. Congratulations, Hidan. You did what was otherwise impossible. As promised, I will make bacon for you." With that, the Uchiha turned back to his room. "Wait! Where the fuck do you think you're going!" Hidan demanded. Itachi turned to look at him. "I never specified _when_ I was making you bacon. It's midnight, and I'm not crazy. I refuse to make bacon for a homicidal maniac in the middle of the night." And with that, he shut his door.

Hidan's mouth dropped open. "Oooh, he got you goooooood," Deidara snickered, turning into his room. "Good night, Homicidal Maniac," Sasori quipped, doing the same. Zetsu and Kisame snickered as they turned into their rooms. "Well, good night, Hidan," Pain said. "Yeah, and tell your girlfriend goodnight when she wakes up," Konan added. "You kids have fun. Just don't wake me up with your noise," Kakuzu laughed, shutting his door too.

Hidan was left in the hall, his mouth still open. Finally he closed it and balled his fists. "Damn you all to hell," he muttered.

 **And that's the end!**

 **The purpose of this story was to figure out how possible it was for any of the Akatsuki members to get a partner, and how their fellow members would react. I think I anticipated their reactions quite accurately if I do say so myself ^_^.**

 **Thank you to all those that read this fanfic that I randomly threw together to the end! I really appreciate it.**

 **(Also, I'm so so sorry for ever writing this. I apologize!)**

 **I'd love to hear from you in the comments! Bye bye!**


End file.
